Round # 2 Confessional

[ellen]

12/17/12

I'm trying to keep my composure and I think that superficially it probably would appear that I'm weathering the storm quite well... internally though, nothing could be further from the truth.

I'm fatigued... emotionally, physically and spiritually... I feel like a house of cards just ready to collapse at any second.

I lost my mother last year and I remember back then praying that Austin wouldn't have to go through that same grief of losing a parent for a long, long time.

It never once entered my mind that I might be the one grieving the loss of him. As a mother your worst nightmare is always the loss of your baby... and that was my baby; he was my world.

I keep expecting that I'll wake up from all this, that everything that's happened will have been nothing more than a horrible, horrible dream... but I don't wake up.

And the worst part about everything is that there's just no time to stop and process this nightmare that's taken over my life. Holistically speaking, I'm exhausted but there's no time. Stopping and resting certainly isn't an option; if I'm going to make it through this I have to pull myself together. It's what Austin would have wanted... for his mom to be strong.

[ingrid]

Love your role playing:) keep it up!

[ellen]

12/17/12

Out of the two factions that have formed from our original group's split, I couldn't be happier than to have wound up where I did. I've got really strong working relationships with almost everyone over here on Ellis.

If I had it my way, the core over here would include Ben, Colleen, Ryan and me but there are so many factors that are playing into allegiances right now.

For example, last night I was enlightened to a previously existing relationship among two of my current companions.

It all started when I took a chance and confided in Ryan that Austin had been my son. It was a gamble, but if you want to make it in this situation, you have to trust someone... and I've just felt a kinship with her over almost anyone else, so it made sense.

After I'd poured my heart out to her she confessed to me that she and Yuri have been a pretty serious couple for quite some time now.

Obviously knowing that information, it affects my game plan because any sort of core including Ryan is going to have to include Yuri now as well.

Coincidentally, just after midnight this morning, only five of us were still awake around the camp fire and I don't even remember who proposed it, but we ended up making a pact to stick together no matter what.

The five of us, Ben, Dominic, Ryan, Yuri and I, have a deal to have each others' backs until we're the only ones left.

I've agreed to go along with the idea because it would be stupid not to, but I'm still not convinced that I can entirely trust Dominic, especially considering his probable connection to Liam.

I'd rather trade him for Colleen but I'm not going to make any waves this early unless it's absolutely necessary . I think I'm in a pretty good spot.

I'm not so concerned about Ryan and Yuri yet. However, after things had been solidified Ryan did tell me that Yuri suspects a secret connection between Ben and I. I've filed that information away for now, but if push were come to shove sooner than I anticipate, I foresee Yuri making a move against Ben and not me. So, like I said, I'm not sweating it all too much at this point.

In terms of strength, I think we're miles ahead of the others over on Liberty.

Sure, Tina has pretty much lost her mind, but I think that the rest of us are all very capable and I suspect that we'll really thrive over here. Things are looking okay for the time being.

[Host]

If push came to shove and you had to choose between Dominic or Colleen- what would you do?

[ellen]

12/17/12

If it were to come to a crossroads and I had to choose between Colleen and Dominic, of course I'd want to side with Colleen...

And I honestly think that in the end that's what I would do, provided that a decision like that didn't completely divide those of us remaining.

At the same time I have to admit, I think that keeping Dominic around isn't without it's benefits, especially when looking forward down the line.

For instance, if those of us on Ellis were to get separated at any point, I think Dominic has the potential to be more useful in bridging any sort of gap with the people over on Liberty, just given his likely connection to Liam and possibly even Leah as well.

There are just a lot of factors to weigh when the time comes for me to make that decision. My heart is telling me to stick with Colleen but I want to make clinical choices that aren't clouded by my emotions.

I just need to figure out if what's in my heart is in line with what's in my head because even one wrong move can spell your doom out here.

12/19/12

So let's review what we learned about everyone yesterday, shall we?

First, when chatting with Carly, one shouldn't be alarmed if she simply gets up and walks away from you mid-conversation... pardon my French, but it's just her way of letting you know how absolutely fucking boring you are to her in that very moment.

Second, Yuri is probably illiterate, because if he could read, then he would be able to follow simple written instructions right? And if warding off this plague was any indication, that's something he clearly cannot do.

Third, Yuri is about as quick as a trip to the DMV. Locusts can be flying at you in swarms from every direction, but don't worry, Yuri will get right on concocting that bug repellent in about, oh, an hour, just as soon as he gets done taking his thumb out of his butt.

Fourth, when planning to dock a ship with "The Skipper," aka Tina, don't be alarmed if she happens to be missing in action... she's probably just got distracted by an old issue of People that she found while using the lavatory below deck.

Fifth, Dominic will jump at any opportunity to make himself look like a hero, even if it means throwing other people under the bus, because newsflash, Dominic thinks pretty highly of himself, and he wants the rest of us to think pretty highly of him too. But guess what, newsflash, we all still know he's actually a huge prick!

And finally, sixth, the last thing we learned about everyone today is that I, Ellen, one of a select few sane people remaining on the planet, am stranded with a band of individuals primarily composed of psychopaths, idiots and nut jobs. If we end up consistently losing numbers because of that, well I might just end up having a nervous breakdown before this is all said and done... or maybe I'll just celebrate the lack of crazy left for me to deal with... yeah, on second thought, it would probably be the latter.

[wendy]

For a loving mother, you surely forgot about Austin.

[ellen]

12/19/12

It's difficult to go through the grieving process when you're trying to survive the Apocalypse. I've internalized all of my sadness and devastation over Austin's passing and am functioning on pure, unadulterated adrenaline right now.

It doesn't mean I don't care.

Please angels, take good care of my baby.

12/19/12

I don't very much understand Tina. Her craziness was amusing at first but lately she's beginning to grate on my every last nerve.

I officially want her gone.

And the really funny thing about all of it is, a few days ago, I honestly didn't want that and I was probably one of the few people, if not the only one, that felt that way.

I was in the girl's corner, fully prepared to put in my time and effort dealing with her special brand of psycho... especially if it meant that I had a better chance of coming out of all of this on top.

Lately though, Tina has taken to completely blowing me off, which, if you ask me, is a mortal mistake on her part.

Because the truth of the matter is, if someone isn't with me, they might not necessarily be against me, but that doesn't change the fact that I have absolutely no use for them going forward in this game. It might sound cold, but it's the truth.

I'm finished chasing dead ends.

12/19/12

We wiped the floor with that swarm!

I'm not even sure that words could describe how ecstatic we all are right now. It's a great feeling and hopefully this victory will give us the momentum that we need to just mow down any other plagues that come our way.

Honestly, things looked bleak near the end; I wasn't exactly optimistic about our chances, but Ben and Carly proved that they can work well under pressure, and the two of them pulled out some clutch navigation work that pretty much had the rest of us floored. They struggled in the beginning, but in the end they were absolutely the MVPs for the day, there's no question about it.

Just having things literally come down to the wire like that, it makes the success of our extermination operation that much more satisfying.

We'll all sleep well tonight without the buzz of locusts in our ears and the assurance that none of us on Ellis are in danger.

12/20/12

An interesting dynamic has developed between Dom, Ryan and myself.

We've all sort of been dancing around one another, poker faces on, trying to play the classic wolf in sheep's clothing game... but we were never really kidding ourselves or each other.

Dominic has been itching all along to cut the nice guy crap and unleash his true villainous side, and these days poor Ryan can hardly bottle her inner bitchiness in. As for me, well I'm just ready to play ball.

Our individual restlessness with things has sort of allowed for the three of us to let our guards down around each other and in our majority alliance.

When the three of us get together, our natural snarkiness comes out, and we can all vent about things. I guess you could say that it has sort of bonded us.

We're kind of like a trio of catty schoolgirls, deciding who is in and who is out on any given day.

In the long run and in the back of my mind I know that we're all a threat to one another, but for now the three of us are essentially the core of decision making on this team.

Dominic calls the three of us RED, obviously because our first initials spell out that word. Believe me, the irony in that, in a game called Good & Evil, is not lost on me.

I think it's a little premature though to call my true colors red or blue. If anything I'm more of a purple when it comes to game play.

Ultimately, I'm all about having options and I absolutely adore Ben and Colleen too. They're both sweet, loyal people and that's something very valuable here. I'm definitely cultivating those relationships for later on down the line; not just for insurance purposes either. I genuinely like them.

I know that eventually there could be a crossroads and I may very well at some point have to choose between playing a red game or a blue game... I just have to figure out what my destiny ultimately is.